During my project of building a BLFS system, I had many other projects in the background that were simmering, waiting for development and work for its fruition. Yet unfortunately, I have had some setbacks–both with habitual sin, and with the fallen nature of my flesh.
When I was in elementery school, at the age of ten, I innocently stumbled upon an adult entertainment website at the poor suggestion of a classmate, to which I have been hopelessly addicted to explicit online entertainment ever since. Even with pastoral staff, family, and friends, interceeding spiritually on my behalf that I may abandon my habit of sin and pursue holiness, I have fallen short of becoming free from sexual immorality.
The only time in my life where I recall having a space of complete freedom where I truly was walking in the spirit, was after my born again experience, where I surrendered my life to Christ in the winter of 2020. The freedom unfortunately lasted only six months, as I did not develop the discipline and character to resist sin and flee from sexual immorality when temptation came.
Sadly, to this day, I never developed the discipline and character of self restraint and mindset of fleeing from sexual immmorality, but rather allowed each day to be tossed to and fro with my emotions, which, given my disorder, makes sense, but is not an approval for sin. And even after efforts of trying to pursue mastery over my flesh with every discipline I could practice, there is still to this day a doubt whether I could truly be free.
In this stage of my life approaching my mid-thirties, I inquire of the Lord each day no longer for companionship as that dream has perished, but for my santificiation–that I am more Christlike. In my suffering and bearing my cross daily and denying myself, my perception and understanding of Christ grows to such a magnitutde that I cannot fathom how the Son of Man and Son of God overcame this problem. Experiencing every temptation the enemy and this fallen world could throw at Christ, yet not sinning once! What a Lord we serve! And additionally because He suffered like us, sympathizes with our weakness, that we may boldly approach the throne of grace, finding mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. I do not want to give any more excuses to my fallen nature, or the brokenness of my body for sin to reign over me. Yet in contrast to the Lord allowing a thorn to be placed in my flesh, I truly believe the Lord desires my freedom from sin and a nature of holiness, where I walk by the spirit, denying the fallen nature of the flesh.
After my neuropsychological assessment for my condition, the report and diagnosis brought back so much clarity, closure, and peace in my life with the entitlements I have for legal and public assistance because of my condition. I do not rely on my legal entitlements, nor use it as a right or excuse to fall short of the glory of God, but rather I have it as an understanding of myself, that during trials I can seek after the Lord.
Astonishingly, to my surprise, my prayer life has been not as intense and strong as it has been in the past. Looking back at the last year, as I began to know more of myself and have a renewed mind from the Bible, I began to take accountability for my actions and words, and stopped blaming demons and the devil for everything and anything when I was more immature. That is not to say the enemy can have a factor in temptation or pushback, but a discernment is neccessary for proper problem solving. Growing in maturity should not defer the spiritual nature of life as something that only happens during a moment of worship or a deep time of prayer either.
Last evening, I was reading the Psalms, and I stumbled upon Psalm 66:
Psalm 66:16–20
[16] Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul. [17] I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue. [18] If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. [19] But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer.
[20] Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me! (ESV)
And I was truly refreshed in my spirit and soul, knowing that God is perfect and His lovingkindness still falls on me, despite how fallen I am as one of Christ’s disciples. As the conviction of sin progressed during the night before I fell asleep, I had to make a determination: do I submit to my flesh or do I deny myself and come after Christ?
When I fell asleep, I encountered a countless number of bizarre and deranged dreams, with no meaning whatsoever, dismissing them as the nonsense as it is. But upon waking, I continued my train of thought from the previous evening and concerned myself with my understanding that I had given up on the Church and on the power of prayer.
Repenting of my faint-heartedness, I remind myself now that we do have a Messiah that we can approach, that He is lowly and gentle in spirit, and that He asks us to take his yoke, for it is easy and light.
Coming to my senses, I have to understand and settle in my heart that ultimately, I can and will dissapoint myself, not achieving the goals I have set for myself in pursuing them with all my strength and might.
But ultimately, the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ is more than enough for me.