Psalm 40:1–3

My Help and My Deliverer

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

[1] I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. [2] He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. [3] He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD. (ESV)

Ever since my late teenage years, I have these moments of terror that happen during a deep sleep, and sometimes, during the middle of the day that trascend what I would normally consider a panic attack.

How deep this darkness engulfs me is something I really cannot describe–mostly because in its duration, the intensity is so strong that it partially disables me, and I fight with all my will power to hide it in public, or I struggle to awaken out of that slumber.

Without a shadow of doubt, these episodes of terror are debilitating to the start of my day, as the last thing I want is to awaken feeling defeated, fatigued, and hopeless.

The deepest well of suffering though, happens during the night, right before I put myself to sleep. During the morning, I can awaken and turn to the Word immediately to compose myself so that I am functional, but when it is time to rest, the difficulty in laying myself to sleep while fighting off the demons of the night is aggravating.

For this problem, my solution is to not give much credit or reach into my headspace about the suffering and dysfunctional world I live in, and to turn straight to the Lord and His Word.

There is something I picked up about David’s posture and composure he had before the Lord, as he supplicated in his position of misery that he recoginized only the Father could console him in darkness.

Psalm 40:6–8

[6] In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted, but you have given me an open ear. Burnt offering and sin offering you have not required. [7] Then I said, “Behold, I have come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me: [8] I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.” (ESV)

I really like David’s approach to his suffering, as he goes first in acknowledging the Father’s might and dominion over all, and looks at his own stature, sin, and helplessness before he encounters a Holy God. To further press on, David speaks of what is in his heart, that the Lord’s law is within his heart. But what I really like next is when David does not keep the glory of the Lord to himself but rather shares it publically with others:

Psalm 40:9–10

[9] I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; behold, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O LORD. [10] I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation. (ESV)

I have experienced that a focus on the Lord while recalling his faithfullness in times past, and sharing it with others, has mitigated the severity of these terrors in the night. It is not a full-proof strategy to guard against this mysterious wave of depression, but I know that to fight for the life the Lord has given me rather than to turn myself into a position of defeat, in a fetal position, is more important than to allow the enemy to announce his victory over me.

Whether it is the enemy of our souls, an improper development of the brain, or sustained trauma throughout this fallen world, I know when I am helpless, the Lord is my help and deliverer, and a sustainer of my soul in times of deep need.

May we remember that it is only the Lord who is our help and deliverer, and that in living in fear of Him may we receive his steadfast mercies.