I came back to the mats this week to see old faces promoted to new ranks.

While I was happy for them, I could not help but go back over my martial arts journey and where it began when I was in middle school after watching Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee movies.

I deeply admired strong heroic men who fight and perservere in spite of overwhelming obstacles. But it was not too long before my clear sight of making a champion of myself turned into a prototype for an anti-hero–one whom essentially has a by-any-means necessary approach to conflict resolution.

What initially grew as an admiration for an old code by warriors genuinely turned into a predatory mindset because of humiliation and bullying. There is a classical archetype of how boys join gyms to better themselves in the trial of a conflict, but this is something entirely different–approaching a demonic perspective. But to give context on how fear, anger, and frustration gave way to occultic influence, one needs to go back even farther to the beginning. . .

Insofar as my parents could remember during my upbringing, my emotional regulation and reactions to stimulus was a little more intense than usual, that which could not be said of, “Oh, it’s just a kid being a kid.” These were early signs of symptoms of childhood autism and Bi-Polar disorder. As I was born in the early 90’s, I did not receive the support I needed to move on ahead in life, as the industry did not have as many resources as they do in 2024. But that did not exclude me from the stress, hurt, agony of being a neurodivergent child in a neurotypical world, where relationships between children were treated much differently than what I do see in the current year. There were many nights that I could not sleep, but just cried because I was away from a safe and secure room, where I was not overstimulated by other boys fighting me or challenging me in any way they felt on their whims. I managed to survive these encounters during my early childhood, but the trauma stayed with me and corrupted my thinking and understanding of authority and relationships with others.

Going forward into middle school, I decided it was time to develop some sort of resilience and a plan for action the next time I would encounter these circumstances. I enrolled in a Kajukempo school, only to drop out in my freshman year in high school as the heat of bullying and insults turned up, and I was conflicted between the culture I had seen with boys solving problems with violence, and what my instructor and family told me to defer violence. Eventually I cracked, and I entered a back-and-forth movement between suicidal ideation to homicidal planning, waiting to exact my vengeance on my offenders. But luckily, nothing materialized into a situation where I would not be able to recover from, which could have ultimately caused my demise. Yet I was still hurt mentally and spiritually.

Apparently, the losers dropped out of high school, and as I moved on to my third year, I decided to join the wrestling team. Unfortunately, I suffered a torn labrum early in the season, and had to be on the bench until I received surgery the following season. As dissapointed in myself as I was, the downtime of not being able to train myself and push myself to the next level sunk me into deep despair, where I considered dropping out of high school.

Thankfully, through family intervention, prayer, and the hand of the Lord, I was not given over to complete failure, and I genuinely praise the Lord and give thanks to my family who stuck with me during those hard times.

Disability, isolation, and idleness in recovery create a internal culture prime to develop the worst mindset. And unfortunately, I gave in to the pain. . .

Despite the suffering I lived through, I barely graduated and moved directly into the working world where I was exploited and abused by a horrible business owner and toxic disgrunteled coworker, which gave me an even bleaker look out on life ahead of me. As the misery began to consume me, eventually I found myself again picking up cliques in martial arts circles with the little money I had and found myself immeresed in their world.

In my brief time studying Filipino Martial Arts and training under different teachers, I came to the conclusion that these men could never unify and settle on a singular philosophy to train practiioners under. Eventually, I came across a Mexican national online who really needed training with weapons to get the job done and get home at the end of the day, and I began to follow Ed Calderon’s content whenever I was bored or curious about this methology. Calderon was honest, to the point, factual, and did not mince his words or present a Hollywood view of his daily work. It was violent, brutal, and merciless depending on the situation in his encounters surviving and dealing with violent criminals. Eventually, upon processing the dead bodies of Calderon’s advesaries, he came accross Mexican witch craft which I should have avoided, yet curiosity got the better of me and decided to pursue an investigation into the occult, lawlessness, and criminal methology.

Whether it was Piper, Filipino Martial Arts, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, eventually I began to develop a sick and twisted mindset of violence eager to hurt someone as retribution for the way I was treated by in childhood and adolescence. It was my desire to return to society to what was done to me, as a warning and cautionary tale of neglecting a child emotionally and physically, and the price for vengeance was someone else’s blood, as I believed I had poured out enough of my own sorrow through onto the floor.

However, recently as I was scanning through my Bible, I came across Lamentations 3:27,

[27] It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. (ESV)

and the impact it had as I continued reading the entirety of the chapture I had received a comfort and a restoration of justice and hope, that which I had never considered before as I saw it was the hand of the Lord molding me and making me dependent on His grace and mercy on my life.

As you read the next verse and approach verse 35,

Lamentations 3:28–36

[28] Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; [29] let him put his mouth in the dust— there may yet be hope; [30] let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.

[31] For the Lord will not cast off forever, [32] but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; [33] for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.

[34] To crush underfoot all the prisoners of the earth, [35] to deny a man justice in the presence of the Most High, [36] to subvert a man in his lawsuit, the Lord does not approve. (ESV)

I recall the moments of consternation and contemplation I always dwelt in each day until the late night, sometimes to the next morning. Most of my approach would begin with an eye for an eye mentality, seeking to do more wrong, and declare myself victor over my opponent and put him to shame that he may not hurt me again, or at least learn a lesson about reaping what one sows. But the Lord here in Lamentations 3 convinced me of the timing and execution of His righteous judgment and holy declaration of right and wrong. More than the new revelation of God’s nature to me was His compassion and intimacy I felt in knowing He walked with me during very dark and trying times, preserving my life each step of the way, where His will was not that I go to the grave, as a dead body cannot sing praises to His name!

Dear reader, my hope is that nature of our God convicts you to not turn and give into to evil, yet to submit to God, resist the devil, that the devil may flee from you. Moreover, the that we as believers and children of Christ may hang on to a hold in hope that despite the offensive nature of our enemy and this world, Christ is there with us every moment we breathe, never a moment too late.