Psalm 61:1–3

Lead Me to the Rock

To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments. Of David.

[1] Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; [2] from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, [3] for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. (ESV)

I won’t lie and say this week has been terrific. Actually, I relapsed into a series of sin which compromised my identity in Christ, believing that I had no choice with my alternative being the grave for the night.

The suicidal ideation began during an overcast evening in SOMA, San Francisco, with the usual scenery. Poop and pee on the floor and walls; trash everywhere, and a lingering smell in your nostrils of third-world hygiene. But the restroom decorations in a public environment is not the focus nor source for my plight into misery.

For the longest time, as far as I can remember even to my childhood, there would be sudden surges of misery and plight for no reason without any stimulus. The source of this darkness would have no identifiable marker, and it would hang on my forehead, while the bottom part of my face would have a functional expression to mask in with everyone else. But the surge of depression began, and these were the common denominators.

As a an old world romantic, filled with fire in his heart for a beloved on this Earth, my needs have yet to be met. No matter how hard I improve my life in finances, self-image, or character, the blessing of a spouse evade me like sand through my fingertips. In addition to my diagnosis of Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as Bi-Polar Type 1 Disorder with Psychotic Features, the challenges that brings to my table in introducing myself to potential candidates always scares away prospects. Perhaps they are not mature enough to accept that all have fallen short of the glory of God, and that I manage my disorders in a manner that most people would not suspect until I drop my guard. Till that blessing comes, the enemy will always nag and harass me; He will not relent until he brings me to the grave, but the Lord has preserved my life.

Though I walk with a desire unmet, and my heart hanging to my abdomen, Christ is guarding my life and prevailing against the grave, as I testify to the Lord consistently what good can a dead body do for His Kingdom?

Ever since I committed the sin of befriending and laying with prostitutes three and a half years ago, I have lost approximately $18,000, which I will never see again. All I have to show for my sin is the confusion in having soul ties with so many different women, the night terrors of helplessness defrauding myself in a fantasy, and feeling lost when these women leave me to some undisclosed location not to be seen again. To begin even with sensory overload of how some of these service queens could treat a man in the bed gives me horrors that a normal civilian women could never match. My idea of intimacy has been perverted permanently; for as married men tell me marriage is an act of sacrifice of denying oneself for his bride, for her protection and edification.

Since I had to put down my cat last month due to her FeLV activating and destroying her organs, the house has been quieter and the noise in my head louder ever since. The cuddles and snuggling have vanished, and I am left with an empty, cold, bed to lie in alone for the night.

My cat, Jasmine, was a beloved friend and house mate that comforted me while I was in the Word of God during times of tribulation. I truly don’t understand God’s provision of a helper in this sense, but I will take His Grace in this cat as my need met temporarily until her passing.

Coming home from a long day on the job and having her expect me arriving was a true blessing, and now with that emptiness in her passing, I feel like my place is just a shell to sleep in, such as hermit crabs crawl into for protection.

Yet God did not leave me deficient.

In my hours of groaning and tears sweating out of my eyes late into the night, the Holy Spirit was my comforter in recalling the times in my childhood where His blessing provided for family, shelter, and a home I could return to.

I began to turn to the Word, and in Davids example of supplicating to the Lord, I recall the Prince of Peace as a comforter to my plight, a guard in my heart, and the bright and morning star against my dark, overcast countenance.

And I remember He is the one who preserves my life against the act of suicide.

And I remember He is the one who gives me joy in the morning, beauty for ashes, a garland of praise over a spirit of heaviness.

And I remember He is my provider in avenging me against my advesaries.

And I remember He is who hears me when I call, and pray to Him.

And I remember He is who gave me favor, which is better than life.

So instead of giving my heart over to the bottom well of sorrow, I turn to Christ who gives living water which I shall never thirst again!

Thank you Lord Jesus, amen.