I wanted to come back and start off with an exceptional testimony from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who by His outstanding patience, grace, and mercy upon my life, has decided to finally put to closure and cast down an idol and state of mind that I have been harboring all of my life for the last twenty years–the state of singleness.

I do not want to suppose I have the gift of singleness, for I do not; rather, the Holy Spirit has worked a proccess of sanctification in me, quieting my heart and my soul, allowing to be fully present with myself and Christ alone. Hours of devotional time in His Word, meditating on the principles of Jesus Christ and His time in the wilderness re-created a perspective about the weight of my future where I would spend eternity as I realized the time was drawing near that I had to get my life in check and prepare myself for the second coming of Christ. In the time I had been studying other extra curriculur books, such as The Book of Five Rings, and returning to a strict regiment of physical discipline to unite my mind and body, there definitely was an enjoyment to all my free time I had to devote to myself and pursue mastery over my flesh and sin.

Talking to other men at church who are married and or fathers led me to understand the weight of a decision to become a biblical husband, as I have seen the fall out when men fall short of the glory of God, or make selfish choices another one’s expense. Some of the most vivid warnings and principles I take away and contend for each day is the sin of lust as it does not appear to go away after the wedding ceremony. Each time a man confesses his sin of masturbation and looking at pornography, or doom scrolling and looking at thirst traps on Instagram or YouTube, the displeasure of his wife is troubling to my heart. Even when I have seen a man right in front of me check out another women in front of their family or his wife, I just could not wrap my head around what was going inside his wife’s mind, after all the trouble he did to commit to a lifetime convenant with her.

Then comes absolute failures and compromises of character after years of marriage, which both parties have expressed a desire for divorce in prayer meetings, which I began to feel the heart of God as I understood with my mind and heart about how the Lord views marriage in His original intent for man and woman. The grief was nauseating; there was a holy sorrow about the selfishness of humans as we figure out life on Earth with a responsiblity to steward what we were given by the Lord, and to carry out the Great Commission while being unstained by the world.

As I recounted the mistakes and bad choices I made in my life, I hypothesized about how if I were to become a father, how my children would look at my life and what would they see: would they see a biblical man after God’s own heart, or would they see some deranged violent selfish pervert? And the weight of that responsibility drew more of a holy appreciation for my time in singleness, thanking God that I could correct my mistakes and improve my character by His Word and Holy Spirit, conforming to the image of Christ.

Physical provision and discipline over finances and stewardship over resources came to mind, as to provide not only for myself but for a family would take wisdom and the character to carry out the right decision. In singleness, my bad and good choices only affect me, rarely affect others, ultimately taking full responsibility for my financial planning.

Additionally the career I pursue and develope in takes half a day of investment of my professionalism and expertise, for a double-minded approach to anything in life will not get me anywhere. To be responsible for only my schedule is a simplicity that I have known married men with families envy and warn me of when I tell them I desire a biblical marriage.

To keep things closer to heart though, I believe I had a part to play in being overtly romanticized by films, video games, and tales of heroism in childrens novels and epic poems. I grew up through my childhood with this organic ambition and drive to be the man that a woman would love to be saved by, and when obviously in the current year, the world has changed a bit, I grew disheartened and weary of my own efforts. Second guessing my worth and identity quickly turned into collapsing and compromise in deep sexual perversion which, to this day, strikes me as odd–how badly I cracked when what my heart desired was not met, and faced ruin instead. Friendzone after friendzone, rejection and unmatching led to a ruin in my self esteem and sense of worth as a man in the world, and eventually I decided to date sex workers, which ultimately led to my emotional and financial ruin, to which I am still recovering from. But the Lord was not finished with me, nor did He give up; the sin that I had chosen to follow did not catch Him off guard, and though I do not know why he did not zap me with a thunderbolt for some heretical attitudes I held in mania and psychosis, I eventually turned and repented from my sin. But the damage had been done and I had to receieve the due wages for that–spiritual death.

In the time I had been depressed and had serious gut checks about my self-worth, the Lord ministered to me and never abandoned me as unfaithful and hard hearted as I was. I received His love for me as He understood from early childhood the suffering and struggle I had with others and the world when everything and everyone eventually left me for dead. Something about the comfort in the shadow of His wings allowed me to stop dwelling on myself, and to rest in the presence of a loving Father. I do not advise this as to go out intentionally sin to receive God’s grace–absolutely not. In fact I would say because of God’s goodness, it led me to repent and turn away from evil, fearing Him as a Holy God. As my mind developed a clarity and sobriety, returning to a place of discipline and soundness, it appeared it was time to do the next thing that Spirit convicted me of: forgiving those who did evil against me.

There are examples of evil done against me that I was wisely advised not to go public with because of legal and social trouble that may happen, so to keep the most important details, I will just go with that there are men and women in positions of authority and leadership that had tremendously failed in guarding me and advocating for my well being. Family members failed to defend me during times of vulnerability,i bullying, fights, as I did not have the capability to defend myself. That damage harmed me so much that I had planned to retaliate with overwhelming evil in my adulthood. This is the extent of the hurt and wounds that I bear, that even after decades of these incidents passing, my nervous system has stored its trauma that I jump at shadows and ghosts that haunt me to this day. Psychotherapy, DBT, and CBT are what I practice to keep myself functioning at the level I do without relapse or remission into a psychotic and manic episode with violent symptoms.

Of course, God did not let me have my final word and desires carried out against my enemies. A period of prayer and fasting allowed for the full forgiveness of my enemies and their actions. It does not release them from the vengeance of the Lord, nor does it erase the memory that it did happen–I have symptoms of C-PTSD. But the ultimate principle is that I forgave my trespassers, as God has forgiven me.

I do not want to make it sound like immediately afterward a breakthrough happen, though it was a process of accelerated success that allowed me to escalate to the next step to where God wants me to be–which is in Paul’s letter to the Philippian church:

Philippians 4:11–13

[11] Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned, in whatever situation I am, to be content. [12] I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. [13] I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (ESV)