Last night, I almost chimped out at my family as a response from feeling attacked by expressing my disgust with this fallen world.

To keep this post short and sweet, I have to begin by re-stating that my mind and soul are not the same as neurotypical folk–yes, I have made this distinction in the past–but the importance is that the longer I live, the more I understand both neurodivergent and neurotypical people only look out for themselves. This is where I have to enforce my guard and practice a selectiveness with my topics and word choice, as I know controversial and inflammatory subjects can spiral into mayhem.

Yet I should understand that family, like men and women on the streets of any inner city, are human as myself, and suffer in the same environment and witness the same pain and misfortune as all humans. But I let my guard down for this one exception–you are my blood. And you are my family. This was my vulnerability that had been exploited for me to relapse into a manic and violent state. Luckily, through years of exercises and drilling breathing practices, I withheld my complete wrath, only to vex my anger with my countenance and some foul language.

I retreated to my room nearly striking the wall, but retracted my arm from alarming my grandparents, as I knew I had to be their guardian and protector in their elderly state. As I laid down on my bed, with the cool of the night drawing over me, I considered the irrational anger I have been prone to my entire life, without any rational answer to it in any case.

With the night passing into the late hours and my mind consistently racing, my only hope in correcting or at least, with my plea before the Lord, was to pray that He be Lord over my personality disorders.

So I began to pray,

Lord, I know my days are numbered

And as I turned to Psalm 51:

Psalm 51:5

[5] Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. (ESV)

And I know that from my history, my future is blight with the blood of my biological father, and the sin of my mother. But only against You have I sinned, and only against You have I defamed your Son and grieved your Holy Spirit. Do not take your Spirit away from me! Comfort me for my foolishness has overwhelmed me, and my enemy is fighting viciously that I may go down!

As time passed with worship music playing, I began to fall asleep resting in God’s presence, knowing that every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.