Psalm 51:4–6

[4] Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. [5] Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. [6] Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. (ESV)

This morning as I walked through downtown San Francisco, I thought about my call to the Lord for justice against my enemies I had written about the night before. As I began to pick up each offense, escalating in intensity to where I began to plan how I would cripple some of these offenders had I seen them on the street, the Holy Spirit convicted me of victimizing a child hood friend who lived across the street from where I grew up as a small child.

Taken aback in shock, and sobered by the horror I had inflicted on an innocent friend, I nearly stopped in my footsteps considering the harm I am capable of doing, and the sin I am blind to in my own eyes. Additionally, the Holy Spirit pushed furthermore and reminded me of family members I had offended grievously as a child, whom were blood related and already had enough trouble fitting in with the rest of the students.

I slowed down for a bit about this image of ascending into an anti-hero–someone who is willing to get covered in blood–against a grievously perverted and corrupt justice system that lets criminals run havoc on ordinary citizens. Yet here I am harming and offending my own friends and family.

Matthew 5:7

[7] “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. (ESV)

Proverbs 18:21

[21] Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. (ESV)

Some days I receive visions of Jesus Christ in the spirit, and my delight is to spend time with Him uninterrupted. But suddenly a posture of repentance and terror occurred to me that if I do not forgive and show mercy on others, Christ will not show mercy on my life.

For example, if someone pushed me in a crowded area, I planned mentally to do a blast double, mount them, and pummel their face until it resembled ground beef. And in the same train of thought, I saw in the spirit an image of the Lord departing from me and closing me in darkness, letting me fend for myself, as I took vengeance into my own hands.

Growing up, fights were observed commonly among my peers and acquaintances who settled matters violently when words had exhausted its diplomatic power–whether at school, in the street, or in the church. Before long the concept of breaking someones nose for an ill comment burned into my nervous system, as I too, was a recipient of that type of street discipline. These principles carried with me into adulthood, where not only did my anger and psychotic nature developed more, but my physical strength and power increased as well as I developed my fighting capabilities.

Surrendering my means of avenging myself nauseates me, as I believe I am turning over my life to a completely hopeless and broken judicial system that favors the criminal over the citizen. It speaks to my recurring nightmares of abandonment, victim hood, and helplessness.

But even so, is the love and Holy presence of Christ so much more desirable than a desire to enact my vision of justice. If there is only one King and one Judge, it is not I, but Christ Himself whom the Lord has positioned the power to pronounce judgment on all. Giving in to rage would tell Christ I am a practitioner of lawlessness, a perversion to Him, and a sinner in need of separation from Him.

And though before my encounter with the Holy and Anointed One, He loved me with a perfect love enough to die on the cross for me, in spite of my mind being at enmity towards Him.

Therefore may my posture and practice be that of like Christ: meekness, merciful, and graceful. May His name be exalted above every other!

Amen.