Hey Joseph,

You may not know me yet, but I have walked with you and in your footsteps since day one. I was with you when I was confused about the willful absence of my biological father, and my current step father whom I never gave honor to until adulthood. There is so much hurt and pain you will be walking through and you may question, why me? What have I done to deserve this?

My beloved child, I still don’t have the answers for that, but through immense pain you will be going through and betrayal, absence of safety, confusion, unfair judgement, social ostracization, and exploitation and of course, abuse, I want to encourage that a man of sorrows has walked with you since day one.

Remember when that bully in preschool decided to throw your lunch in the trash that your grandma made just for you? Jesus Christ stood by with you as you cried and was shocked that someone would do that. Remember when you had that Swiss Army knife and flashed it to the camera, with violent ideation during the preschool school picture while tears were flowing from your eyes? Christ was with you, and held your hand as you gave it to your teacher. Let’s keep going, keep your head up, and let’s walk through some hard things that made no sense in the darkness. . .

I didn’t forget the Chinese preschool where you were alone and bullied. I saw you when you got beat up by an elder kid who throw you to the ground and you puked out your guts all over the floor, startled, scared, helpless with no one to pick you up. You had to eat your tears and swallow your dignity when not even the staff would pick you up. Your family didn’t see the tears when you came home each day, nor did they see your bruises, but the Lord of Hosts has seen everything and has not let one tear fall. Obviously with nothing to show for the immense pain you had the endure, bullies who imposed their will on you, and your family not sending you to kickboxing to beat the snot out of your enemies, you failed across the board in your studies, to a toxic institution you need nothing to do with. If that wasn’t bad enough, then you were sent to your church’s vacation bible school against your will.

When you were sent off to the vacation bible school during your early childhood, the Son of Man was by your bed each night when you were unable to sleep, crying yourself into the early morning as you were longing for the comfort of your home and family–yes, that same family that didn’t listen to your pleas to not send you hours away from familiar grounds, with strangers you wanted nothing to do with.

The camp counselors who were useless and did nothing for your advocacy in breaking up fights and abuse hurled at you didn’t make much sense, and they still don’t to this day. But I consider them for what they were–bums–unfit shepherds that should have no business in authority over small children’s spiritual development. The Son of Man also saw each bruise from the other boys who slugged you, and picked you up with each fight you lost. You may have thought, “no one is there for me, not even my family”, but behold:

Psalm 27:10

[10] For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in. (ESV)

It doesn’t excuse what those children did to you, nor the emotional and physical neglect that your elders when they abandoned their responsibility when they didn’t take your word. I want to reassure you that no matter what, our Father who is in heaven declares,

Romans 12:19

[19] Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (ESV)

For our Father is a loving God, far more perfect than any family or friendship could fathom; who is like Him!

Joseph, even those moments that completely broke you and stole your innocence at the hands of those authority figures in the church by physical and emotional abuse wasn’t for nothing. Even years later when it completely perverted and destroyed your view of the opposite sex, and you used various women for comfort and coping, Christ shed his blood for you that you may have an audience with a loving almighty Father. For what those women in church leadership meant for evil, the Lord intended for your goodness, that you may develop a formidable and unyielding spirit, with a heart wholly devoted to the face of the Lord.

The Lord walked with you through adolescence and your time in high school, when everyone deserted you for more “normal” folks. Christ spent time by your desk during those lonely lunch breaks, when you were tucked away in the library reading and studying classical literature and literary criticism; he yearned and longed for your company and love, as a beloved friend and King would never leave you. In that time, he taught you the shallow barrenness of this world, and that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of the Lord.

Even in your years of unemployment and underemployment doing graveyard shift after you narrowly graduated high school, Christ was present with you, yearning for your love as you were in those warehouses, job sites, and retail stores. The Lord never left you like others did. He understood every tear that fell from your face, every disappointment, every dream and hope that fell flat and went into the grave.

Nothing escapes the eyes of our Father.

Recall when you saw the Son of God when Katerina was about to pass away on your bed. Remember the days as time approached when Katerina’s life was about to end? He was preparing your heart, that you could bear the loss of your only beloved darling, a gift from mom and dad, when you got booted out of the house.

Even still to this day I have dreams of her and shed tears, but our Messiah is a man of sorrows acquainted with grief, despair–a longing for a day when death has no sting, where the grave has no victory!

Then you adopted Jasmine with FeLV.

You had a wonderful year of companionship by your side, someone always waiting for your return when you got back at home. You thoroughly enjoyed that year of comfort and friendship, until FeLV activated and took her life.

When Jasmine was in your arms as you sat on the bench after you made the call for euthanasia, waiting in the patients room at Berkeley Animal Hospital, she wouldn’t have had it any other way, spending her final moments in your arms. As the doctor gave the tranquilizer and lethal dose, the Lord comforted you opening the heavens as angels sang Yeshua, one of your most beloved songs to encounter the Lord. I know your heart fell deep into your chest and tears went down your face as you lost yet another friend, but know this:

Romans 8:28

[28] And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (ESV)

Joseph, keep your head up and trust in the Lord. Guard your heart, set your forehead as flint, but keep your spirit malleable to the Word of Christ. The Lord has a plan and purpose for your life, and when you seek him with all of your heart and go to him and pray to him, he will be found by you.

Let not your heart be troubled or grow weary. Grieve, in his arms. Let him wash the tears off your face. Keep your composure, your heart tender, your spirit strong, your mind in might. Do not let the Word of the Lord escape you; keep it dear to you daily. Be reminded of this:

Romans 8:18

[18] For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (ESV)

Sincerely, with love,

Your future self.