This afternoon I received an email from my bank stating that I had a negative balance, and they would promptly close my account and report my delinquency to the national credit bureaus if I do not bring my balances into the positive soon.

At first glance I did not believe this, as I thought I had balanced my check book and made the neccessary adjustments for a proper balance on my accounts. I was in fact rather surprised, since this is the first time I had a claim against me. But I suddenly remembered a bad decision I made a week prior, and now I am reaping the consequences of my sin.

Proverbs 29:3 states that,

[3] He who loves wisdom makes his father glad, but a companion of prostitutes squanders his wealth. (ESV)

and obviously, the word of the Lord stays true forever.

In a night of despair and extreme loneliness, a message from a working girl I used to date came to me, stating she wanted to see me since she was leaving her usual spot the following week. I felt bad for her, and decided I would spend one last night with her to comfort her and give her a nice donation for her parting. Obviously, I was not thinking with my right mind, and I should have seen it for what it was–an exploitation of my resources. But my foolishness got the best me, and I decided that I was a knight in fine armor, coming to her rescue.

After our date, I went home financially strained, with more anxiety than I ever have in the last six months regarding my financial status. On reflecting on the previous few hours that late evening, a surge of racing thoughts overwhelmed me once again about my future prosperity and freedom in an increasingly difficult land of consumption.

Not only had I once again sinned against a Holy God, I also squandered the resources the Lord has given me, such as the example of the prodigal son did in Jesus’ parable, and subsequently laid with pigs.

My understanding of our inheritance in Christ and our sonship with Him is that this is so far from the truth that He wants any of His children to be living in. This concept is about receiving a counterfeit, and rejecting the principle of purity and holy love that only comes authentically from Christ Himself.

And when I did return to my senses and saw the poverty I set myself in, I began to weep regarding my understanding of straining the grace and mercy Jesus has shown on my life.

In Psalm 51:10-12, David writes,

[10] Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. [11] Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. [12] Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. (ESV)

which reflected the posture of my heart the evening of and the days following my choice to sin against myself and the temple of the Holy Spirit.

I am drawn to Psalm 51 not because I want to excuse myself from the consequences–far from it, I choose to come clean before a God that sees all and is blameless in His judgment–but to ask for the correction necessary for holy living.

For far too long, I have conditioned myself to think sexual sin is acceptable to live with because of my disabilities and deficiencies in life. And my response in having scales fall off my eyes to the wickedness of my pursuit of satisfying my flesh is that there is only one whom can purify me and purge me clean: the Father Himself.

To continue David writes in verse 17,

[17] The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (ESV)

which to my delight and hope understood the Lord would meet me in my disgrace and not leaving me in my pit of sin, but would accept my offering of my broken and contrite heart, so that I may repent and live for Him.

After a few days of thinking and planning on how I might guard my body and mind against sexual sin, it came to my understanding that the loneliness and isolation I have lived in ever since I started living on my own has broken down my soul to the point of needing room mates and company. Even the Lord Himself stated it is not good for man to be alone, but in my unique circumstances, I do not believe He intends me to have a spouse for this season, but to correct my character and develop a lifestyle of holy living until the time comes if He deems it necessary.

And with thanksgiving, I will offer my praise to Him who has spared me from the pit, that He has a plan and purpose for my life, to give me a future and hope so that I may delight in His presence, in seeking His Face.